My Kids are Weirder Than Yours

I swore when I started this blog I wouldn’t be one of those “Top Ten” list-making writers, but as it goes with most things I swear I’d never do, I usually eat my words.

Yep, I’ve learned to never say never, and no one has taught me that more than my favorite people on the planet – my kiddos. Any time I’ve ever said, “MY child would NEVER do THAT,” one of my lovelies comes right behind me and not only does THAT, but they do it bigger and better than I would’ve ever imagined it in the first place. At least they’re ambitious. Go big or go home, right kids?

Not only are they grand in their efforts, but sometimes their behavior is just plain, well, strange. I don’t know if it’s spring fever that’s gotten into them lately or if they’re sniffing too much glue at school, but the level of their adorable weirdness has been particularly potent lately.

So here’s my oh so cliché top ten list of bizarre things my kids do on the regular:

1. Stare at me. For extended periods of time. At VERY close range. They watch me drive. They watch me eat. They watch me watch TV (aren’t they watching the same show I am??) I can’t figure it out. Are they counting my pores? Enamored by my beauty? Gauging my mood before proposing their next outrageous request? I’m not sure of their motivation, but I know I’ve been given the gift of four extra human shadows and my own short-person paparazzi. Or stalkers. They may be stalkers.

2. Speaking of paparazzi, these jokers act a lot like celebrities. They have personal in-house assistants who cook, clean, and cater to their every need. They always have a car waiting for their next event, and SOMEONE is ALWAYS taking their picture, capturing each moment as if it were more special than the one before. Relaxing bubble baths are a regular occurrence, and pedicures are available upon request. I might as well add “Royal Lady’s Maid” to my resume with the amount of hair brushing I do. It’s all good, though, because at least they can’t stare at me while I’m brushing their hair.

3. They strategically delay showing me the things they are MOST EXCITED ABOUT in the world until I’m in the driver’s seat, most likely performing said celebrity chauffer duties. “Hey mom, look at this! It is SOOOOO cool. You HAVE to look RIGHT NOW!” These are the statements I hear most from the backseat of my swagger wagon, second only to, “She’s touching me,” “STOP IT!” and “Can you change the station?” No. No I cannot. I cannot turn around WHILE I’M DRIVING and the only things getting me through the car ride are my 80s tunes. So, no! Mom needs her Cyndi Lauper right now!

4. They have an uncanny ability to ignore me when I’m completely engaged in them and even more diligently when I verbally request their presence.

  “Oh, I didn’t hear you until the third time you called me, Mom. Sorry.”

  “Then how did you know I called you three times?”

  “Ummmmm, I’m just guessing.”

However, as soon as I shift my focus to talking with another adult, a phone call, or a      task that requires silence and my full concentration, they’re all up in my business. For example, as soon as my husband and are in deep conversation (which happens about five minutes per week thanks to my darlings), there are no less than three short people rushing us, demanding our attention while not even talking to us but talking at – or more likely arguing with – each other. Locking the door doesn’t work, because they pop that lock like the pros.

5. They can’t find ANYTHING. Nothing. Not even if you dangle it from a hook right in front of their sweet little faces. They will actually avert their face so as to NOT be able to find it. Their method of research is: open the door/drawer, look in the opposite direction, close the door/drawer, and yell, “Mom, I can’t find my socks!!!!!” This strangeness also applies to my husband. If something ever happens to me, no one in my family will ever wear socks or underwear again.

6. They appear to want to see me go to the bathroom. Now this one can’t possibly be true (please don’t let this be true!), but why else would they follow me/walk in/knock and talk through the bathroom door every single time I go in there. IS THERE NO ROOM THAT IS SACRED, MY CHILDREN??

7. They hate sleep and a diverse menu (this mainly applies to only one of my babes). But really kids? Most grown ups would kill for an 8 o’clock bedtime and well-rounded meals with colorful fruits and veggies prepared for them daily. Nope. My kids act like bedtime is a devastating shock every night, as if I’ve proposed yanking a tooth or worse, cancelling cable. The horror.

8. They hate their siblings. They love their siblings. They hate their siblings again. No one else is allowed to hate their siblings. And the cycle continues.

9. They tell me how great a book or movie is and that I should totally read or watch it. One minute later they tell me the huge plot twist at the end and the name of the character that dies. Thanks, kids.

The same impulsivity is demonstrated during the holiday season, when surprise gifts are purchased in their presence. Here’s how that goes down:

Child goes shopping with Dad.

Dad tells kid not to tell Mom what her present is.

Child walks in front door from shopping with Dad.

“Mom, Dad did NOT buy you an iPad for Christmas! Bye!”

Kid runs off to play with friends.

Dad is speechless.

Mom is not surprised with a present OR by the child’s behavior, and wonders why her husband is.

10. But perhaps the weirdest thing that my kids do is love me for me ALL of the time. Even in the morning when my hair is standing on end and last night’s makeup may or may not have been washed off. Even when I’m a coffee jerk. Even if they come home from school to find me in my PJs because I sat down to work after they left and stayed so busy I forgot to change. And even if I turn around too quickly and step on whichever child is under my feet at the moment.

Their love is truly unconditional and without judgment. Ok, they may judge the PJs a little, but they’re so extremely careful with my feelings and pure with their adoration that I can handle it. Maybe it’s because I’m the only person in the house who can actually find what no one else can, or maybe it’s because of those really great pores, but their love, loyalty, and faith in me makes all of their weirdness worthwhile. Well, almost all of it. This girl still needs to go to the bathroom alone.